That's right, I finally found some time to churn out a complete article for your exclusive reading pleasure. I have a list of ideas a mile long, believe me, but some intese work at the Post has killed off all my free time. I'm shooting for an article a week, at least, so stay posted. Anyway, enjoy:
Stingrays launch massive attack on Australian Naval Fleet
Navy reports huge casualties on both sides
Sydney – In a daring daytime raid, thousands of angry stingrays assaulted an Australian battleship and five destroyers Friday, according to a statement by the Navy. According to eyewitness reports, the aquatic creatures catapulted each other onto the decks of the vessels and engaged in vicious hand-to-hand combat with sailors. The fleet responded with small-arms fire and depth charges, but not before sustaining 32 deaths and 143 serious injuries. The Navy estimates stingray losses in the hundreds.
In a speech today from the Rose Garden, President Bush expressed his sincere condolences, and offered to send military support to help vanquish what he called “the gravest threat to world security since Howard Dean.” He suggested that stingrays should to added to the Axis of Evil, commenting, “These evildoers will not stand in the way of democracy. And they better not be makin’ any nucular bombs, or other dubya-emm-dees.”
The UN is reportedly in the first stages of voting on resolution 2553, which declares senseless murders by aquatic creatures to be a “bad thing.” China and Russia are showing stiff opposition, claiming a four-year investigation is needed into the meaning of the word “bad.” French President Jacques Chirac was expected to make a statement, but unfortunately an extended wine and cheese break expired his strict limit of 10 hours of work a week.
President Bonasus of the Pacific Stingray Coalition announced today via a statement online that the Stingray Congress had issued a formal declaration of war against all humanity, confirming suspicions that previous stingray attacks, including those against Australian naturalist Steve Irwin and an 81-year-old Florida resident, were in fact not coincidental. “We have put up with your meddling long enough,” said Bonasus. “The time has come to avenge the thousands of our brothers abused by the grubby hands of schoolchildren in aquarium petting tanks worldwide. The great crusade has begun. May God have mercy on your souls.”
The Worldwide Organization of Dolphins spoke out brashly today, blaming humans for provocating the attack. “Good Lord, you humans are slow,” the organization’s spokesperson said in a radio interview. “Cage these animals long enough, and of course they get angry. Duh…..”
